Wednesday, October 01, 2008


JUST TO START I WOULD LIKE TO SAY THAT IN PROTEST OF THE BENGALS ALLOWING CHAD JOHNSON TO CONTINUE PLAYING PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL FOR THEIR ORGANIZATION, THIS ENTIRE POST WILL BE IN CAPS. IF YOU DON'T LIKE, THEN YOU AND MY MOTHER, THE OTHER READER OF THIS BLOG, CAN GO HOME.

ON TO THE POST. WHO IS THIS MAN? I ASKED MYSELF THE SAME THING AT THE BEGINNING OF THIS YEAR, WHEN THE BENGALS DECIDED TO DROP SOME VETERAN PLAYERS IN ORDER TO PICK UP THE ST. LOUIS RAMS' 4TH STRING QUARTERBACK. HIS NAME IS RYAN FITZPATRICK, HE GRADUATED FROM MILTON ACADEMY IN MILTON MASSACHUSSETTS AND THEN LATER GRADUATED FROM A LITTLE KNOWN UNIVERSITY KNOWN AS HARVARD. I HAVE A SISTER AND SEVERAL FRIENDS WHO ATTENDED HARVARD AND MAY I BE THE FIRST TO SAY THAT THIS MAN IS A TROGLODYTE. DID HE EVER REALLY THINK HE WAS GOING TO USE PSYCHOLOGY AT ALL? LOOK AT THAT HAIRCUT, LOOK AT HIS BEADY EYES. I WILL BE THE FIRST TO ADMIT THAT ATHLETIC PRACTICE PICTURES ARE NEVER THE BEST, BUT I HAD UNDERESTIMATED THE ABILITY TO LOOK STONED, APATHETIC, AND GENERALLY STUPID. THIS PICTURE HAS SET A NEW BAR FOR ME.

MR. FITZPATRICK STARTED IN LAST WEEKEND'S GAME AGAINST THE ATTROCIOUS CLEVELAND BROWNS. CARSON PALMER, OUT WITH AN ELBOW INJURY IN ADDITION TO BRAIN DAMAGE FROM THE 50 SACKS HE HAS ALREADY EXPERIENCED IN HIS FIRST 3 GAMES, SAT ON THE SIDELINE PONDERING FACT THAT HIS BODY IS SLOWLY BECOMING PARALYZED BY THE FEAR THAT HE MIGHT HAVE TO ACTUALLY SERVE OUT HIS CONTRACT IN CINCINNATI. http://www.daylife.com/photo/0ejL8NUa3w4hC

MORE TO MR. FITZPATRICK'S TALENTS. I AM BY NO MEANS A TALENTED ATHLETE. I DO SPORTS THAT REQUIRE NO CATCHING, VIRTUALLY NO COORDINATION, AND LITTLE REAL FINESSE. IF I WERE A PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL PLAYER, EVEN MORESO, A QUARTERBACK, I WOULD LEARN HOW TO STAND ON MY OWN TWO FEET. MR. F'S INABILITY TO STAY UPRIGHT ON HIS OWN (PRESSURE AND SACK'S NOT INCLUDED) RESULTED IN SEVERAL LOSSES OF YARDAGE THAT WERE NOT ONLY FRUSTRATING BUT EMBARASSING TO BOOT.

IT IS HARD BEING A BENGALS FAN. HAVING LIVED IN CINCINNATI SINCE 1985 AND HAVING BEEN MORE OR LESS A STALWART FAN OF THE STRIPED CRUSADERS UNTIL NOW I HAVE A FEW BITTER ADMISSIONS TO MAKE.

1. IT IS HARD TO BE A FAN OF A TEAM WHEN THEY KEEP HAMSTRINGING ONE OF THE TWO GOOD THINGS THEY HAVE GOING FOR THEM (M. LEWIS).

2. IT IS HARD NOT TO WISH THAT CARSON PALMER AND M. LEWIS HAD JOBS ELSEWHERE WITH PEOPLE WHO CARE ABOUT THEM.

3. IT IS HARD TO BE A FAN OF A TEAM THAT LOSES TO A CITY THAT SET A RIVER ON FIRE AND WAS ALSO PREVIOUSLY CONTENDING FOR THE TITLE OF "TEAM WITH LARGE EXPECTATIONS SET BY A SEASON 3 YEARS AGO AND IS REALLY JUST GOING TO SUCK."

4. IT IS HARD BEING A BENGALS FAN AND LIVING IN BALTIMORE. WHILE NOT AS BAD AS PITTSBURG, THE BALTIMORONS HAVE A BLUE COLLAR MEANSTREAK WHICH GOES SO FAR AS TO REFUSE SELLING A HARDWORKING TEACHER HIS WELL-DESERVED SANDWICH ON A SUNDAY AFTERNOON.

5. PITTSBURG IS A CESSPOOL OF DESPAIR, DEGRADATION, AND GENERALLY LOATHSOME FOOTBALL FANS. I WOULD RATHER RUN NUDE THROUGH THE BLACK HOLE OF THE OAKDLAND RAIDERS FAN ZONE THAN SET FOOT IN PITTSBURG. ANY TOWN THAT HAS ENOUGH AHOLES TO RUN BILL COWHER OUT OF TOWN IS LOOKING FOR THE LARGE HADRON COLLIDER TO DESTROY THEIR EXISTENCE. *CROSSES FINGERS*

6. LASTLY, IT IS HARD NOT TO WISH THAT THE BENGALS WOULD JUST RESUME THEIR GENERAL LOW EXPECTATIONS. I NO LONGER READ PRESEASON REPORTS SIMPLY BECAUSE I HAVE NO HOPE OF THEIR BEING TRUE.

THAT'S ENOUGH CAPS FOR NOW. IF RYAN FITZPATRICK TRIPS ONE MORE TIME WHEN THERE IS NO PRESSURE, I AM TRULY SORRY ANTHONY MUNOZ (AND JESUS), BUT I AM BURNING MY JERSEY AND BURYING MYSELF IN THE BACKYARD.

*EDIT, ALL GRAMMATICAL MISTAKES SUCH AS MISPLACED COMMAS, ENTIRE WORDS MISSING, ETC. ARE ALL CATEGORIZED UNDER THE HEADING "BLOG FLAVOR" AND WILL NOT BE FIXED.

1 Comments:

Blogger Matt said...

Finally a new post, excellent critique of the Bengals organization as a whole....

Now blog more, monkey!

9:33 AM  

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