The Baltimoron

The Soundtrack of my Life

2009-11-11T14:12:00.000-08:00

Would most likely never drop in tempo below 180 beats per minute and as such, this past Monday, yes on a Monday of all days, I went to see a quintet of death metal and hardcore bands at a venue called The Recher Theater in Towson, Maryland. The Recher is a nice venue in that it is small enough to be "personal" with a big-name band playing there but also large enough that you don't ever seem to get the sardine feeling when that big name band is bringing in everyone from the prepsters in your local frat to the violence-adoring Ultimate Fighter (R) fanatics from Westminster, MD. The decor is pretty low-budget, the carpets are stained with gum and lord knows what else (at least a little bit of my spittle and probably blood after last Monday), and there are 2 free-standing bars to keep the brewskis or mixed drinks (depending on your concert) flowing freely.

My main motivation for attending this concert was to see the headling band, Hatebreed. Also along for the ride were bands that were previously unknown to me; Hate Eternal, Born of Osiris, and Unearth. Last but not least, the legendary Cannibal Corpse was there to round out the five bands. For a ticket that only cost 22 dollars before tax, I'd say I got my money's worth on all accounts.

I am not a fan of death metal, as I cannot begin to fathom what they are saying and if I could, I am almost 100% positive that I would poop my pants in mortal fear of the imagery death metal songs depict. A couple winning song titles from Cannibal Corpse were, "Hammer-smashed Face", "Wretched Spawn", "F*ck a Knife" (dedicated to the 6 lovely ladies at the show), and "Blood from a C*ck". Nice eh? Top all of this off with the facts that the leader singer of Cannibal Corpse is named Corpsegrinder, that he threatened to kill and/or dismember several fans over the course of the night, and their musical tends to lack that crunchy, grinding rhythm that so draws me to hardcore and metalcore music, and I was happy to see them leave the stage and have Hatebreed's soundcheck start up.

I had wound my way to the front of the crowd for Hatebreed's performance as I knew this would be one of, if not the only time I would ever be able to see them in a venue this small. Earplugs in my ears (otherwise the whole show would have been unbearable), I stared up in awe as Jamey Jasta ran out on stage in his Suicidal Tendencies hoodie and started to rock the house with a nice rendition of "Doomsayer". Considering the action in the pit that had been happening up until this point none of the other performers compared to the energy that Hatebreed brought to the floor. Since many of the Cannibal Corpse fans had left after their performance. I was lifted into the air approximately 10 minutes into Hatebreed's show and crowdsurfed for the first time. I also was fairly certain that after landing after my first mass-groping that my wallet had been taken, but after being lifted into the air a second and third time, I noticed my wallet was where it had been before. Another reason to go see Hatebreed.

They put on a rocking show. It was worth waiting 4 hours to see them. I screamed the lyrics of their songs at the top of my lungs, got to high-five Jamey Jasta, and was shoved unceremoniously to the ground more than a few times in the circle pit. It was completely worth it. Decimation of the Nation tour, book it when it comes to your town.

Yellow Brick Road

2009-11-09T11:20:00.000-08:00

It is funny how I started with blog with the best of intentions and now seem to be using it as a vent for all of my supressed and poorly-expressed rage. I am attending a concert tonight at the Recher Theater in Towson, Maryland. The headlining band is Hatebreed and the tour's name is the "Decimation of the Nation" tour. I have no idea what that implies, but it most likely refers to the fact that 99.9 (repeating, of course)% of all concert goers who attend shows like this do not take proper auditory precautions. I will be stopping by a CVS in order to buy earplugs before attending.

Anyhow, I mentioned to a friend of mine that I would be attending this show and he immediately asked me,
"Why are you so angry?"
I responded by saying,
"I am an extremely happy person as a result of these people being so angry."
In a way, these concerts and this type of music is a way for me to outsource the rage that builds in me on a regular basis.

The point I am trying to make with this post is that I feel as if certain elements of a high school education have been removed from many students' equations. These elements might have been considered "negative" or "mentally damaging" but those buzzwords are simply that. I am not talking about being beaten at the high school I attended for chatting out of turn, or getting a shoe in the ass for illegally betting against a teacher in a history class on the wrong football team. Those experiences were both worthwhile and "mentally damaging" in their own right, but I am referring to those particular aspects that I had forever thought to be part and parcel of a young person's high school experience. Things like, being horrified of a particular teacher for no other reason than the rumors upperclassmen spread about him or her. Failing a test for the first time ever because you procrastinated and your parents locked you in your room for 2 weeks. The ever-laudable, not doing your work for 3 weeks in a row because you had "emotional problems" (which really just boil down to you wanting to watch television or nowadays "HULU"). All of these experiences people of my generation and those before them lived through and, hopefully, learned from.

My job experience (and please remember it is limited to a very small cross section of students) lends me to believe that parents these days, in attempting to always make life better for their children than what they had as young people, are attending too much to children's "needs" and not allowing nearly enough education to happen passively or on an experiential basis. The safety net that is cast by virtually all private schools in order to help teachers protect themselves from extremely aggressive parents also allows students, with many times minimal effort, to skate through the system and obtain high school diplomas.

Somewhere along the line, parents (and this does not pertain to all, but to an ever-increasing majority) began to think that it would not be suitable for their children to learn via negative experience. My mother and father believed wholeheartedly in supporting me when it was necessary, but also in the idea that, "Hey, that idiot blind kid with the coke bottle lenses touched the hot pot on the again. Do you think he'll learn when they have to saw his mangled finger off that the damned pot was hot?" That was extreme, but applies here. Parents have gotten much more hands on in the past decade with regard to understanding how their students learn, what makes them tick, and how they can best succeed in a multitude of different, difficult environments, but in this attempt at getting to know their children better and help them succeed, have we neutered their abilities to think for themselves and learn intuitively?

Motivation

2009-01-21T17:02:00.000-08:00

I don't know what it is. I cannot picture myself in any other profession outside of teaching, but as most people can attest, I find myself on a regular basis, extremely frustrated with my clientele (excuse the lack of correct accents). By this, I do not mean the parents of my students, but rather the students themselves. These people are my customers. They come to me in the hopes of learning something worthwhile and I slave 70+ hours a week in the hopes that their dreams are not in vain.

Having been through the mid-year point of my 4th year of teaching 9th through 12th graders, I've come to a few conclusions. If anyone else on the planet reads this blog, then feel free to post any thoughts you might have relating to how right or how completely off-base I might be. My one disclaimer is the following, my experiences come from a very small sub-section of students. Please understand that these thoughts and ruminations come as a result of my interaction with independent school students in Baltimore County, MD.

1. Parents of current high schoolers are engaging in an activity for which my parents, during my high school years, would have awarded someone a scarlet R (read; retard). Parents these days, in my estimation, far too often yearn to be friends with their 14-18 year old children. In addition to being chums with their children, they also express a distinct desire to be liked by their childrens' friends as well.
Those of you who might not be experienced teachers might be thinking, "Well, that seems like a perfectly reasonable expectation from a human being." You are incorrect and should most likely stop thinking and just believe my opinion as fact. These parents fall into a trap out of which many of their own children are knawing off their own foot to escape. Friends seek to support one another. High schoolers, in their extremely finite wisdom, tend to support one another blindly and wholeheartedly without consideration of the actions of their compatriots, no matter how asinine.
I remember when I was growing up and going through high school. My mother was very explicit when she found one of my friends or acquaintances not to her liking. She simply said, "I don't like (insert child's name here)." It wasn't necessarily out of blind hatred or bad first impressions, but the woman tends to stick to her guns. If I repeatedly kept hanging out with said reprobate, I would be victim to certain consequences. That is, however, neither here nor there with regard to my current point. My mother was not my friend in high school. Yes she loved me and continues to do so, but she expressed a severe disapproval at several of my poorest decisions (topic for a different post). Not all of my friends liked her, but none of them remained ignorant of her potential for infernal wrath. My mother is a lovely person, but refuses to be rolled over by smarmy, pretend-to-be-charming-but-really-hopes-that-parents-will-buy-him/her-alcohol types. She usually just sent them home with a kindly "Don't come back." as they let the door hit their ass on the way out.
I'm going to end this post now because I feel like I'm getting worked up. Next post will start with some akin to, "Category 2 of parents that the Baltimoron finds difficult are those who week to smooth the rough road of adolescence as much as possible for their children."

Time

2008-12-17T09:55:00.000-08:00

"Don't count every hour in the day, but make every hour in the day count." - Anonymous

As I sit in my classroom waiting for students to finish their semester exams, I look forward to my Christmas break. When thinking about Christmas break, I am forced to think about Thanksgiving break and consequently how much I was looking forward to that time off. Thinking about time in general, I have come to the conclusion that whoever came up with the concept of time was both a genius and a sadistic asshole.

I know some of you (all 10 of you who have ever read this blog) are thinking, "There is no one person who came up with the idea of 'time'." I know this, but every time I think about a vacation that is coming up, even one so monumental as that of summer break from school, I cannot help but quantify exactly how much time I have left of that freedom. In my lowly estimation, this begins to take its toll quickly on the enjoyment of one's freetime. When sitting in front of my computer in naught but my skivvies and driving my black war mammoth all over Azeroth, all I can think of is, "Man, I only have 56 more days of vacation and tomorrow it will only be 55, the day after that will only be 54." Eventually I stop thinking about the days and resort to measuring said time in weeks, which is even more depressing, as weeks are days / 7 in case you were wondering.

Anywho, I am very much looking forward to my Christmas break, even moreso than my Thanksgiving break. Hopefully I will have enough of this nebulous concept to enjoy myself thoroughly, be around my loved ones and friends, and then pwn some virtual aholes on teh intarweb.

Another day, another post. I've made this promise often, but I hope to post more in the future. Take that for what you will, coming from the mouth of a compulsive liar. On a positive note, I recently saw a preview for Jim Carrey's Yes Man and Wolverine. Carrey's movie looks to be an excellent return to his comedic roots while Hugh Jackman continues his entertaining if not altogether accurate portrayal of everyone's indestructible canucklehead.

2008-10-01T15:23:00.001-07:00

JUST TO START I WOULD LIKE TO SAY THAT IN PROTEST OF THE BENGALS ALLOWING CHAD JOHNSON TO CONTINUE PLAYING PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL FOR THEIR ORGANIZATION, THIS ENTIRE POST WILL BE IN CAPS. IF YOU DON'T LIKE, THEN YOU AND MY MOTHER, THE OTHER READER OF THIS BLOG, CAN GO HOME.

ON TO THE POST. WHO IS THIS MAN? I ASKED MYSELF THE SAME THING AT THE BEGINNING OF THIS YEAR, WHEN THE BENGALS DECIDED TO DROP SOME VETERAN PLAYERS IN ORDER TO PICK UP THE ST. LOUIS RAMS' 4TH STRING QUARTERBACK. HIS NAME IS RYAN FITZPATRICK, HE GRADUATED FROM MILTON ACADEMY IN MILTON MASSACHUSSETTS AND THEN LATER GRADUATED FROM A LITTLE KNOWN UNIVERSITY KNOWN AS HARVARD. I HAVE A SISTER AND SEVERAL FRIENDS WHO ATTENDED HARVARD AND MAY I BE THE FIRST TO SAY THAT THIS MAN IS A TROGLODYTE. DID HE EVER REALLY THINK HE WAS GOING TO USE PSYCHOLOGY AT ALL? LOOK AT THAT HAIRCUT, LOOK AT HIS BEADY EYES. I WILL BE THE FIRST TO ADMIT THAT ATHLETIC PRACTICE PICTURES ARE NEVER THE BEST, BUT I HAD UNDERESTIMATED THE ABILITY TO LOOK STONED, APATHETIC, AND GENERALLY STUPID. THIS PICTURE HAS SET A NEW BAR FOR ME.

MR. FITZPATRICK STARTED IN LAST WEEKEND'S GAME AGAINST THE ATTROCIOUS CLEVELAND BROWNS. CARSON PALMER, OUT WITH AN ELBOW INJURY IN ADDITION TO BRAIN DAMAGE FROM THE 50 SACKS HE HAS ALREADY EXPERIENCED IN HIS FIRST 3 GAMES, SAT ON THE SIDELINE PONDERING FACT THAT HIS BODY IS SLOWLY BECOMING PARALYZED BY THE FEAR THAT HE MIGHT HAVE TO ACTUALLY SERVE OUT HIS CONTRACT IN CINCINNATI. http://www.daylife.com/photo/0ejL8NUa3w4hC

MORE TO MR. FITZPATRICK'S TALENTS. I AM BY NO MEANS A TALENTED ATHLETE. I DO SPORTS THAT REQUIRE NO CATCHING, VIRTUALLY NO COORDINATION, AND LITTLE REAL FINESSE. IF I WERE A PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL PLAYER, EVEN MORESO, A QUARTERBACK, I WOULD LEARN HOW TO STAND ON MY OWN TWO FEET. MR. F'S INABILITY TO STAY UPRIGHT ON HIS OWN (PRESSURE AND SACK'S NOT INCLUDED) RESULTED IN SEVERAL LOSSES OF YARDAGE THAT WERE NOT ONLY FRUSTRATING BUT EMBARASSING TO BOOT.

IT IS HARD BEING A BENGALS FAN. HAVING LIVED IN CINCINNATI SINCE 1985 AND HAVING BEEN MORE OR LESS A STALWART FAN OF THE STRIPED CRUSADERS UNTIL NOW I HAVE A FEW BITTER ADMISSIONS TO MAKE.

1. IT IS HARD TO BE A FAN OF A TEAM WHEN THEY KEEP HAMSTRINGING ONE OF THE TWO GOOD THINGS THEY HAVE GOING FOR THEM (M. LEWIS).

2. IT IS HARD NOT TO WISH THAT CARSON PALMER AND M. LEWIS HAD JOBS ELSEWHERE WITH PEOPLE WHO CARE ABOUT THEM.

3. IT IS HARD TO BE A FAN OF A TEAM THAT LOSES TO A CITY THAT SET A RIVER ON FIRE AND WAS ALSO PREVIOUSLY CONTENDING FOR THE TITLE OF "TEAM WITH LARGE EXPECTATIONS SET BY A SEASON 3 YEARS AGO AND IS REALLY JUST GOING TO SUCK."

4. IT IS HARD BEING A BENGALS FAN AND LIVING IN BALTIMORE. WHILE NOT AS BAD AS PITTSBURG, THE BALTIMORONS HAVE A BLUE COLLAR MEANSTREAK WHICH GOES SO FAR AS TO REFUSE SELLING A HARDWORKING TEACHER HIS WELL-DESERVED SANDWICH ON A SUNDAY AFTERNOON.

5. PITTSBURG IS A CESSPOOL OF DESPAIR, DEGRADATION, AND GENERALLY LOATHSOME FOOTBALL FANS. I WOULD RATHER RUN NUDE THROUGH THE BLACK HOLE OF THE OAKDLAND RAIDERS FAN ZONE THAN SET FOOT IN PITTSBURG. ANY TOWN THAT HAS ENOUGH AHOLES TO RUN BILL COWHER OUT OF TOWN IS LOOKING FOR THE LARGE HADRON COLLIDER TO DESTROY THEIR EXISTENCE. *CROSSES FINGERS*

6. LASTLY, IT IS HARD NOT TO WISH THAT THE BENGALS WOULD JUST RESUME THEIR GENERAL LOW EXPECTATIONS. I NO LONGER READ PRESEASON REPORTS SIMPLY BECAUSE I HAVE NO HOPE OF THEIR BEING TRUE.

THAT'S ENOUGH CAPS FOR NOW. IF RYAN FITZPATRICK TRIPS ONE MORE TIME WHEN THERE IS NO PRESSURE, I AM TRULY SORRY ANTHONY MUNOZ (AND JESUS), BUT I AM BURNING MY JERSEY AND BURYING MYSELF IN THE BACKYARD.

*EDIT, ALL GRAMMATICAL MISTAKES SUCH AS MISPLACED COMMAS, ENTIRE WORDS MISSING, ETC. ARE ALL CATEGORIZED UNDER THE HEADING "BLOG FLAVOR" AND WILL NOT BE FIXED.

Germany moves on

2008-06-20T00:09:00.000-07:00

And Cristiano Ronaldo cries, again. He was described by the Germans as the Premier Leagues "Torkoenig", otherwise known as the king of goals. While that my well be, whenever he enters general European competition, he never fails to disappoint. As I sat in the bar last night and watched the game all I wanted was to see Ronaldo cry like two years ago when they lost in the semifinals of the World Cup. There is something uniquely satisfying in watching a person who gets so much hype, so many compliments, and so much respect, before he his team even makes it past the quarterfinals, cry like a spoiled child at the end of each of his World or European Championship runs.

He is a professional actor, and a bad one at that. Every time he is touched by another player he goes down. It got the point where he was filmed yesterday laying on the ground watching until the referee turned to him. At that point he grabbed his ankle and started mimicing (spelling?) an injury yet again. What Ronaldo lacks in mental and personal fortitude he makes up for in cowardice, scheming, and brute force weeping. Even members of his own British Premier League team hate him *cough* Rooney *cough*.

While I appreciate the talents of the rest of the Portugal team, Simao, Deco, Gomes, it is undeniable that while Ronalod is still their shining star, they deserve to lose in glorious fashion, even better at the hands of a team like the Germans who don't stand around to brag but go home, go to sleep (except for Sebastian Schweinsteiger), and come to practice the next day ready to learn about their next opponent. My condolences to all the Portguese except Ronaldo. You got what you deserve. Toughen up next time and maybe the world won't hate you.

HULK'S FIRST MOVIE REVIEW SMASH!

2008-06-17T23:49:00.000-07:00

Being a devoted comic book fan and Hulk afficionado, I went to see the movie the weekend it premiered. To say the least, I was not disappointed. To say the most, I do not habitually write movie critiques nor do I have the writing flavor or analytical expertise of the "professionals" that typically post on sites like rottentomatoes.com, etc.

Having read the mixed reviews regarding the new Hulk movie like, "It is ordinary.", "It is just another film with the Hulk smashing things." yada yada yada, I felt all the more inclined to see it. The Hulk smashing things? The Hulk fighting the Abomination? Admittedly an Abomination who looks very similar to Skeletor on speed without his hood on, but who cares? The Abomination is supposed to be ugly.

So, on to the review. Edward Norton was an interesting cast. As much as I try and steer away from the bias that builds in me when watching experienced actors play my beloved comic book characters, I cannot escape it. Every time I looked at Edward Norton I expected him to steal the gold bars from Marky Mark Wahlberg, kill Donald Sutherland and then recklessly fly around in a rented sight-seeing helicopter in order to try and get his gold back. At least he didn't have that terrible mustache.

Back to topic, Edward Norton does a good job of playing the emotionally-torn and generally dorky Bruce Banner. He reminded me very much of the old Bill Bixby Banner, from the Incredible Hulk television series, which I enjoyed very much. When inserting the old TV theme music in the movie I had a nostalgic sense of bell-bottom jeans, cowboy shirts with two-ton colors and leather overlay, and bad, italian leather loafers. Regardless of that Norton was convincing. His dedication to the safety of Betty Ross was charming and he stayed very true to the Banner of the comic in that he sought solitude in the hopes of sparing his loved and and friends pain.

Speaking to the CGI effects in the movie, I was pleased. I found Ang Lee's Hulk to be an impressive vision of the comic brought to life but there is an interesting contrast to Lee's virtual Hulk and that of Louis Leterrier. While Lee's Hulk was bulging but smooth-skinned, Leterrier's image is that of a skinnier (albeit still huge), more sinewed monster. This lends the Hulk a haggard, more battlescarred feel. It also seemed to allow the Hulk more opportunities to show physical growth because as we know, the madder Hulk gets, the stronger Hulk gets. When watching the film the first thing I made sure to look for was that, "Holy shit, he's going totally god-damned crazy" feeling in my stomach. There are several of them in The Incredible Hulk and that is a positive thing. I got a distinct and scary feeling of how destructively and uncontrollably powerful the Hulk was in the movie.

I felt that the pacing of the movie was appropriate. The Hulk-outs cannot be classifed as few and far between, but the minutes w/o the green guy always left me with a desire to see more of him in action. It had a good blend of character exploration in that you see Banner in various stages of his long-sought escape from the persecution of General "Thunderbolt" Ross and his love for his daughter, Betty.

While there were points in the movie where I thought, "This is really how the damned Hulk is supposed to be, smashing, slashing, screaming, jumping, punching, destroying!" There was a general sense of disappointment for me in the final battle with the Abomination. While the Hulk of the comic book has experienced various iterations of himself to the point of being big, green, and strong all the time while still retaining his personality and intelligence possessed as Banner, The Incredible Hulk presents a skewed image of the big guy, imho.

Betty has too great an effect on the Hulk. Admittedly, she is playing the Rick Jones role of the pacifier, the calmer-downer, but it rains on the Hulks parade and takes away from the Hulk's indefatigable rage. The exact reason why the Hulk wants to be left alone is because he knows he is a danger to others, even those he loves and in this film, it seemed as if Betty was a healing panacea that allowed the Hulk to think rationally, or at least come to many a psychological conclusion regarding his own personal state.

The final battle scene with the Abomination was well-done. There were plenty of times where I was laughing at the absolute riduculosity (I know that's not a word but it fits) of the destruction of Manhattan, but the Hulk wimps out in the end and the Abomination apparently gives up as well. The danger of using to massive adversaries like Hulk and Abomination lies in the fact that they will not stop until one or the other appears to be dead. In the end, the Abomination seems to all of his suppressed feelings of inadequacy while the Hulk at the same time engages in an unreal sense of gentility. You can't end a movie with an open-ended fight scene, but I wish they had spent more time showing the Abomination and the Hulk beating the crap out of each other.

We're almost to the end, I promise. My one question for all the cinematic interpretations of the Hulk is; What is so damned scary about using the actual comic book storyline? I mean, how hard would it be to film an explosion where a guy saves the life of some homeless dude walking around on a military weapons-testing range? I don't see the danger of misinterpretation here. Why must things always been changed? Would the original story be too-complicated? I guess I should send a letter to Stan Lee and maybe he can tell me.

Anyhow, go see the damned movie. It was great. Just know what you're going to see, destruction, pain, the Hulk being a general wimp at times, and be ready for that.

Baltimoron versus German Keyboard

2008-06-16T07:45:00.000-07:00

Short post as I am still struggling to both cling to consciousness while at the same time figure out why there are two different types of "alt" key on a German keyboard. Being a quick study I have already won the battle of the z versus y switch and plan on a swift but steady, Blitzkrieg-style takeover of unique keys like ß, ö, ü, ä, and the always entertaining, albeit mysterious §.

Nevertheless. We arrived safely today after spending several hours behind a hypercephalic early-teen boy who never seemed to understand that by putting his laptop underneath his own seat and leaning his chair back at the same time, he was agitating the extremely, passive aggressive tendencies of the passenger behind him. Needless to say my Crocs (r) did a merry dance all over his Inspiron and left me with an intense feeling of gratification. NICK FUME AND MENTION HOW ANNOYING THE SITUATION IS TO HIS EXHAUSTED WIFE BUT NEVER REALLY DEAL WITH THE SITUATION! (Insert feeble Hulk refernce here.)

Tomorrow I go for a run in country which shuns the overzealous personal athletic philosophy of so many Americans. Wish me luck.

Baltimore picture editing FTL

2008-06-13T13:26:00.000-07:00

If you were wondering what the hell "FTL" means, you won't get the joke even if I assplain it to you, so just don't bother asking.

Anyhow, I'd like to apologize for the extreme rookie-mistake involved in my most recent post. Those two empty frames are the result of my general PC/Blogger incompetence and will never show up on these hallowed pages again. Keep the readership strong.

May David Metcalf die a 1000 deaths for stopping his blog.

RIP Ninjajames007

Infiltrating WoW

2008-06-13T05:59:00.000-07:00

Tapping phone lines in order to secure homeland security has been a policy of the current U.S. government since directly after the terrorist attack on September 11th, 2001. Apparently, the government has come to the conlcusion that the internet could also be a prime suspect for saboteurs in making their devious plans. It gets better. Games like Second Life and WoW, two of the biggest mmorpgs are going to be infiltrated by the government some way, shape, or form in the near future in order to study the "cultural norms" and then devise a way to deal with "suspicious activity".

To the 5 men who are assigned this project, I will give you the most important cultural norm that arises from WoW play and internet usage in general. Anonymity breeds assholes. It also successfully lowers the maturity level of every single being that enters the online gaming community to that of a petulant, terribly uneducated pubescent 14 year old boy. Please find all the suspicious activity, and by that, I mean the annoying early-teen kids who can't help but flaunt their huge epeen to others by making them feel small and worthless, and send them to Abu Ghraib.

http://www.pbs.org/moyers/journal/blog/2008/06/rick_karr_on_internet
_surveill.html

Back in Business!

2008-06-13T04:36:00.000-07:00

For that 1 person who purports to check this blog on a regular basis, my thanks go out to you and I wonder why you don't have better things to do with your time.

As of now, the Baltimoron blog is back in business! It is summertime in Baltimore, I managed to move all of my worldly possessions into a small living room with the help of my lovely wife and now plan to flee the country for 30 days in order to let mold, mildew, and insurmountable amounts of insects destroy all of my hard work.

Nevertheless, the European Soccer championships is currently going on in and I will be partaking in the associated grilling, excessive consumption of alcoholic beverages, and cheering for Christiano Ronaldo to get injured for real. Stay tuned and I'm sure I will have some witty to say about Germany and its inhabitants over the next few days.

WE MUST PROTECT THIS HOUSE...

2006-12-01T04:15:00.000-08:00

From witches, in the form of children apparently.

As if Africa didn't have enough issues, the average Congo household is now seeking to lower daily costs of living by throwing children out of the house onto the street, because the kids are apparently practicing witchcraft.

Don't you think the kids would use witchcraft on you if you threw them out? I know I would. And I wouldn't turn someone into a toad either. Who knows what I would do, probably give someone gout or the vapors.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/csm/20061130/wl_csm/owitchkidsx

Read this and weep.

Unopened letters to God, starting bid; $500

2006-11-03T07:12:00.000-08:00

Just having finished reading this article at the Yahoo! news site, I don't really know what is more sad, the fact that many of these people actually wrote letters an earnest plea for divine assistance, that they were thrown into the coean near Atlantic City, or that the guy who found them is trying to sell them on eBay. He sounded nice and moral until the end of the article.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/unanswered_prayers

Kelly Clarkson vs. Metal Skool

2006-11-01T13:17:00.000-08:00

I don't know who Metal Skool is but they have just taken a major step forward in my vaulted opinion. Kelly Clarkson is completely blotto in this video and I think all should witness it.

She really wants to get "edgy".

And by edgy, I mean she wants to bone that dude Satchel, who's wearing the headband and fake hair.

http://us.video.aol.com/video.index.adp?mode=1&pmmsid=1704499

Still post about teaching...

2006-10-30T12:28:00.000-08:00

I can't stand to think about teaching right now. I'm ass over teakettle in grading and I'd much rather read about problems like this, which could really only strike in Russia. Please feel free to comment.

To be quite honest, I'm surprised that the Russians can actually experience liver failure. I'd thought it impossible.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/6099906.stm

My father > Aleksey Vayner

2006-10-15T18:04:00.000-07:00

So, whilst logging into my email today, I noticed an interesting link. The title read simply "This man is outrageous." or something close to that. Being a particularly outrageous (at times) person myself, I decided to see what the hype was about.

Apparently a young man who is currently a student at Yale University (senior perhaps?) recently filmed a video to accompany is curriculum vitae that he is sending to various Wall Street investment banking firms. I thought to myself, Wall Street + investment banking firms = my friend Spencer from Georgetown, but while this guy looks a little like Spence, just skinnier and more douchey, he really puts himself over the top.

The video CV is approximately 7 minutes long and detail his own personal views on success and how success can be described as a distinctly mental experience. His idea is, if you will it to be, believe in your own success, and take your "A game" with you wherever you go, you will never fail, and victory will be yours in all arenas of life.

My very own father has told me these things many times over during the past 27 years of my life and I am thankful for his pushing. My father, however, managed to convince me of the possibility of success without including a 600lb bench press section, a detailed showing of his poor frontcourt tennis play, and the coup de grace, a clip where he breaks about 8 wimpy red bricks while wearing Pony(r) tennis shoes from about 15 years ago.

Enjoy at your whimsy, and make sure to pass this ridiculousness on.

(insert upside down exclamation point here) VIVA EL YOUTUBE!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yCBwa-uzU5U

Taoism? Who woulda thunk it?

2006-10-15T14:53:00.000-07:00

I took this quiz at this website, where obviously the questions have been created using many hours of research and consideration.

Apparently the religion or spiritual path I most closely fit into is that of Taoism:

You fit in with:TaoismYour ideals mostly resemble those of the Taoist faith. Spirituality is the most important thing in your life. You strive to live by all of your ideals, and live a very intellectually focused life.80% spiritual.20% reason-oriented.

Try the quiz out, it's pretty interesting, if not 50% lame.

http://www.quizgalaxy.com/quiz.php?id=47

The last straw

2006-09-26T14:25:00.000-07:00

Alright, the title of that last post isn't going to make any sense, simply because blogger.com and my asinine PC are apprently in cahoots, attemping to sabotage my entirely pathetic attempt at a blog.

The end of that post should say:

Yes, as a teacher, I do get those "Mr. Holland's Opus"-like moments, but upon returning from three months of summer break to a class who seems to have forgotten everything, I'm more tempted to liken my experience to Mr. Holland in the delivery room after hearing from the physician that his son was born a deaf retard.

I'm sorry Mr. Opus, but your son is a deaf retard.

2006-09-26T14:17:00.000-07:00

I will admit, the sound of blogging, much like the sound of one hand clapping, given that you're not clapping like a sissy, has started to grow on me. Having been an avid fan of forum-browsing for a long time and attempting to make wittier posts than the last poster, blogging is a natural segueway for the author.

./throws computer out the window

2006-09-26T14:06:00.000-07:00

So I just realized that on my desktop I am unable to post pictures to my blog due to my pop-up blocker.
"Oh, but Nick, just go to the "Tools" option at the menu bar." Shut up, I already did that, nothing. After turning off my pop-up blocker, the very next thing that popped up was some weird shoe-fetish site pop-up. I wasn't even visiting the site. That means my computer possessed by some latex-obsessed demon with a penchant for DKNY.

FCUK OFF POP-UP BLOCKER.

*deep breath*

Seeing as how my writing is subpar, my humor makes people want to drink turpentine, and my computer is winning the battle of wills against me at this current point in time, I will be posting from my laptop, which, at this point, I am too lazy to turn on. More soon. With pictures, I promise.

Bengals in Super Bowl XLI

Rollerderby

2006-09-09T13:17:00.000-07:00

This post should technically be dated 8/22/06. I had been meaning to write about this unique, Baltimorean experience, but real life and work once again began whomping me in the jimmies and subsequently keeping me from my newly beloved blog.

So, those who ask themselves, "What is rollerderby?" SHAME ON YOU. If you haven't seen or heard of roller derby, you are missing out on one of life's most shameful, and at the same time delicious, activities. I remember watching roller derby for the first time back in Cincinnati, on UPN 25, the most ghetto of all ghetto television stations. It would later receive competition for this award by channels such as WB64 and channel 45 (whose programming just plain sucked). Anyway, back to topic. I was up late watching UPN's weekend Japanimation movie, only to have it be interrupted by a nationally-televised (albeit at 3:27am in the morning) roller derby match. It was fascinating how the fat woman could absolutely obliterate the smaller ones by checking them with their Grand Canyonesque hips. I didn't understand the rules, nor did I care, because I was captivated by the female on female violence. I'm not well, I know.

Well, back to Baltimore roller derby. I was invited by a friend who has intimate connections to the Bmore derby world and I will admit, visiting the rather anti-Ticketmasteresque ticket services website www.brownpapertickets.com, any such grand assumptions I may have had, were raped and pillaged. The Charm City Roller Girls, as the four Baltimore teams are collectively known, represent roller derby in a truly grass roots form. The perform in a skating rink, which at first thought, might seem logical, until you realize that their are no barriers protecting the "athletes" from the audience. This is not to say that the audience would ever attack one of the ladies during a "jam", but when one of the smaller, defter ladies gets a solid cross check from a Betsy Battleaxe, that woman, quite frankly, is gonna get that ass tossed. Sans barriers, that woman is bound to land in the audience, more on that later, however.

I must end this post prematurely, my fellow "friends", are back and I want to whoop their ass at Warcraft 3. I will continue soon with pictures and a better description of both the sport in and of itself, and the culture surrounding it.

"The Baltimoron"

2006-08-29T08:51:00.000-07:00

As I sat at my PC today waiting for World of Warcraft's to end its weekly Tuesday ritual of server maintenance and wondering what the hell else I should do with my last day of summer vacation, I remembered having started this blog. Having not written the website of my blog down, I was forced to search through the admittedly depraved links listed under my "recently visited" toolbar. Nevertheless I found it and here we are again, forging ever onward through my adventures in Baltimore, Maryland.

Outside of reading through the new talents and spells to be gained by purchasing Blizzard's equally-expensive expansion pack known as The Burning Crusade, I remembered an anecdote related to me by a colleague upon my arrival in Baltimore. Sitting in a restaurant in Fells Point one evening I had the gall to ask what citizens of Baltimore call themselves. They are Cincinnatians in Cincinnati, simply New Yorkers in New York, and apparently New Orleanians down in Looziana. His response was, "They call themselves Baltimorons." Chuckling at first, I soon realized the distinct irony in his statement when, as we were driving home, I saw the city motto stenciled on a park bench, "BELIEVE".

Believe in what? That we live in a city populated by idiots? Seeking to spare my aching intellect any further stress, I shut the old brain down and just took it for what it's worth. We, in Baltimore, BELIEVE, whatever the hell that's supposed to mean. Hopefully, as this blog continues, I will be able to seek out and discuss via the comments pages, the truth or fallacious nature of this cultural moniker (spelling).

On a humorous sidenote, when entering "Baltimoron" into the Google search engine and hitting "I feel lucky." once reaches an urban dictionary site with some interesting definitions of the term. Feel free to peruse. After a year of living here, I will concur that they are all true to life.

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Baltimoron

The real title of this blog should be...

2006-08-22T10:12:00.000-07:00

"The sound of one hand clapping" because, in my insensitive and overly-judgemental opinion, that is what blogging is, nothing but listening to yourself, trying to make yourself laugh via your own, worn-out witticisms (spelling), and pushing the bilge of your own mind on others in the hopes that they might contribute a dishonest comment like, "Your blog is really inspiring! How did you ever manage to help those 50 turd-covered orphans out of that collapsed Sterno production facility?"

Nevertheless, I enjoy listening to myself talk, as it allows me to de-burden my own being by simply letting my demons possess others. :)

This post is really just a first try at this blogging phenomenon. Wish me luck, don't read this blog if it offends you, and please take nothing I say in the future seriously, unless of course I tell you to take it seriously.